The Left Ear
Chapter 4 : ch 4 Long Ago Dried Up Meadow It’s not that I didn’t feel guilty, but love made me lose

ch 4 Long Ago Dried Up Meadow
It’s not that I didn’t feel guilty, but love made me lose reason. At three in the morning, I ran over to an abandoned building on the outskirts of town. I climbed the stairs and went for a smoke. I watched as the cigarette b.u.t.t dropped, a weak spark, hopelessly falling to the gra.s.s below.

There was dirty mud on the gra.s.s.

I told myself, “Bala, you’re not bad. You’re just capricious.”

One day after school, I walked out and suddenly saw Xu Yi.

He was carrying a large backpack, leaning against the huge Chinese parasol tree at the school gate. He watched as I approached, his eyes carrying a grief that he tried to hide but couldn’t hide.

I walked over and brightly said, “Handsome, what’s up? You actually skipped cla.s.s today?”

“I missed you, Bala.” Xu Yi said with some difficulty, “I haven’t heard from you in two days.”

I extended my hand and pinched his face. “I’m sorry, baby. I’ve been so busy the last two days.”

“Busy with what?” he asked.

“Busy with what… Hm, let me think.” My eyes lifted up toward the sky, and I saw Blackie. A very tall Blackie, with seven or eight boys behind him, walking out from the school.

My heart skipped a beat.

I wanted Xu Yi to leave quickly, but it was already too late. Blackie’s gang surrounded us quickly. He was wearing those dazzling metal ornaments again. The way he looked, standing there silently, was kind of scary. He looked like a dog that would eat a person up.

I nudged Xu Yi and said, “Go first.”

Xu Yi didn’t move.

Blackie said gruffly, “Could this be the pretty boy that you like? Bala, your taste is really getting harder and harder to understand.”

“You dare touch him?” I asked Blackie. “I’ll be done with you.”

“Hahaha!” Blackie laughed to the skies. “Li Bala, I just realized that you don’t f.u.c.king know how to love!”

“Yeah,” I said. “I f.u.c.king got rid of you, so now all you have left is to be jealous! What are you going to do?”

“What can I do? I don’t want to do anything, I wouldn’t know how. Even if I were going to do something, I wouldn’t tell you about it!” Blackie said in a rushed voice. Such a tongue twister, but he actually said it so smoothly.

“Leave!” I hissed out.

Blackie’s crew looked at me, one by one, anger all over their faces.

Xu Yi stood next to me, breathing heavily.

My mind was racing. If they started fighting, should I call 110 (emergency services) or find backup? Or should I go get a teacher? Before I could figure things out, Blackie snapped his fingers, and with a defeated voice said, “Let’s go.”

After he spoke, he was the first to turn around and walk away.

I’d just gotten a hold on my heavy heart, when something I never would have expected happened. Xu Yi charged forward, wielding fists. He came from behind and gave Blackie’s shoulder a heavy blow. And he shouted out, “Baldie, I’m warning you. Don’t you dare bully Bala! I won’t let you bully her!”

Then, it was chaos.

My poor, thoughtless child… It was eight against one, so you can guess the outcome.

He was. .h.i.t until his head was broken. He ended up lying in the hospital for an entire week, and he also got punished by his school.

In the end, my selflessness earned Zhang Yang’s trust. He finally stopped over at my house. He raised his thumb at me, “Well done, girl. I knew you could do it.”

The old woman was out playing mahjong again. From my experience, she definitely wouldn’t be coming back.

I said, “Little Yang, you should reward me. I’ve led someone astray for you.”

“Oh come on,” he said. “Don’t tell me it was the first time.”

But it really was the first time. In my small room, I saw Zhang Yang approach me.

There was a mix of scents in my dorm. A light scent of female menstrual blood, the smell of undergarments, body wash and shampoo, and all sorts of perfumes. Of course, there was also Zhang Yang’s scent. On the balcony, there was a pink wind-chime. At three in the afternoon, in the warm, idling air, you could hear a tinkling sound. All of this made me feel dizzy. I pushed him away gently, and jumped over my bed to the door, closing and locking it carefully. Slightly embarra.s.sed, I sat down on my bed and said, “Come here.”

That’s how I was. For a love that came suddenly, that wouldn’t see light, I selflessly gave myself.

This world has lied to me, so I must pay it back. I won’t let go of any little bit of happiness that belongs to me.

I could see myself in Zhang Yang’s eyes. Ah, how beautiful I was.

When I woke up, I realized he was still sleeping.

His eyes were closed, his breathing was even. Long eyelashes fluttered. Before then, I never knew that boys could have such long and pretty eyelashes. I couldn’t help myself and reached out my hand. He didn’t wake up, only letting out a vague grunt, before turning over and continuing to sleep. I got up from the bed and pulled on my nightgown. I saw a spot of red on my sheets, long and murky, like a map that suddenly had a new mark on it. It wasn’t at all like I had imagined.

To be honest, I didn’t think that it would hurt that much.

I turned and headed to the bathroom to clean myself up. In the mirror, I saw my face, slightly haggard, but unable to resist happiness. I squeezed the left side of my face, “Girl.” And then the right, “Woman.” Then I laughed out loud, shamelessly.

In the mirror, I also saw an upside down clock. My mother sent it from the US. I don’t know why she sent a clock, but I knew it was very, very special. I remember when Grandma received this international package that had crossed thousands of miles, her face went purple with fury. She promptly threw the clock into the backyard. With dust flying, there came a deafening echo. In the middle of the night, I slipped out back and brought it back quietly. But since then, it’s had to suffer staying inside this small bathroom that belonged only to me.

Right now, it was telling me that it was 7 at night.

I suddenly felt very hungry. I wasn’t sure if the sleeping boy would also be hungry, but I knew that I should make something to eat before he woke up. I crept over to the door and walked out to the kitchen. The refrigerator was shamefully empty. It actually dared to call itself a refrigerator? I slammed the door shut and went to check the rice cooker. It was half full. I took a sniff, and it smelled…edible.

I decided to cook a pot pan of fried rice. It would feed me and my darling as well.

Of course, I also had to feed my cat.

I suddenly felt like I was a good, sweet girl, with such a sense of responsibility.

With my very contented heart, I began frying my rice. G.o.d knew, this was what I was good at. I completed the task with ease. Even when the oil was cooking in the pan, I found time to pick some green onions and vegetables from the backyard. Just as I finished up, I heard the sound of keys being inserted in the door.

My… That… Oh G.o.d.

I quickly turned off the fire, ran to my room, and locked the door.

After about a minute, the old woman started beating on my door, “Why did you close the door? Come out, come out! Do you hear me? Open the door!”

The fierce knocking woke up Zhang Yang. I covered his mouth and shrugged to him, helplessly. I signaled for him to remain silent.

With some confusion, he began to pull on his s.h.i.+rt and trousers. With even greater confusion, he looked at the ambiguous spots on the bed sheets. The old woman was rapping loudly on the door – oh, it should be that she was beating the door. “Li Bala, come out! Don’t think that I don’t know what you’re up to!”

I motioned to the window with my mouth, signaling to Zhang Yang that he should leave that way.

Zhang Yang took the hint. He held my face in his hands, and forcefully sucked on my lips, before he turned to the window and disappeared into the night.

I quickly closed the window. Then I turned around and grabbed some dirty clothes and magazines to cover up my sheets. Finally I went to open the door, lazily asking, “Aren’t you tired? You’re not young anymore, you should watch out for your health.”

The old woman came into my room in a flash. Her gaze and posture was like those secret agents in American movies. She scanned my room and asked, “Where is he?”

“Who?” I said.

“When you ran inside before, I saw someone lying on the bed.”

“You old people sure are interesting.” I saw down on the piles of clothes on my bed and flipped open a magazine. “Look. When you’re done, please get out. I want to sleep.”

“I’m warning you,” she walked closer, finger pointing to my nose. “If you want to make trouble, go ahead. But not here. Otherwise I’ll throw you out!”

“Where are you going to throw me to?” I asked her. “This house belongs to my father. Don’t you forget that.”

She angrily turned around and walked out.

I closed my door, sat down, and started clearing out my mind. I decided to take care of the problem on my beds sheets. I didn’t pull off the sheets, but rather, retrieved a basin of water, a brush, and some soap from the bathroom. Then I crouched down on the floor, slowly and patiently brus.h.i.+ng at the sheet. I watched as the mark disappeared and melted away, as I smiled and thought how good a day it was. My wish finally came true. I gave myself to him.

How wonderful.

I didn’t want to go anywhere that evening. Wearing a dirty pair of jeans and a thin, pink cardigan, I walked alone, along the river. I was feeling surprisingly good, and I even hummed a little tune. I kept recalling the moment when Zhang Yang’s face was right up next to mine, and when I saw my beautiful reflection in his dark eyes. It was like a movie, replaying in my mind, over and over again, tirelessly.

I waited for so long. Finally, I, Li Bala, let the person I love, love me.

I leaned against a tree on the river side and pulled out my cellphone. My fingers slid along the orange screen and then dialed a number. The phone rang for a long time before someone answered it. A lazy male voice came, “Who’s looking for Zhang Yang?”

“Me,” I said, lighting up a cigarette.

“He went to evening self-study.”

“Oh.”

He hung up the phone, not caring about or asking who I was.

I guessed that he must have been Zhang Yang’s father. Maybe there were too many girls who called Yang, so he was no longer curious about it. I felt a bit desolate, my mood dropping from boiling to freezing. Maybe it was because I was hungry. The taste of the cigarette in my mouth was unusually bitter. I got down from the tree and walked around twice. I began to feel uncontrollably irritable. I decided to go to the noodle shop to fill my stomach first.

The noodle shop was pretty empty and still at 9 PM, but the boss was smiling, waiting for the influx of students after evening self-study. During this idle time, the four shop boys were playing poker behind the counter. The boy who lost five dollars grew red in the face from shame, with a look of despair.

I put five dollars on the counter, “Extra beef! Large bowl of noodles!”

I found a suitable place to sit and continued smoking. They were 555s (cigarette brand). I wasn’t used to smoking them, but when I wasn’t feeling good, I would smoke 555. Then I saw her, wearing a cute backpack and a black T-s.h.i.+rt, her face flushed pink. She opened the door and came inside. This girl was from Tian High. I’ve seen her before, but we never spoke. To be honest, she really looked very cute, so much that I suddenly wanted to tease her a bit. I held my cigarette high, my eyes wandering to the TV, with an arrogant look on my face. I thought she would be afraid, that she’d frown and hide from me. Then I could have a great laugh about her loss.

Who knew that she would sit down right in front of me?

That gave me a big surprise. I glanced over at her, and she was watching me, a pair of big, bright eyes. I felt a bit jealous. I decided to keep teasing her. I reached out my arm and took some of the cilantro from her bowl, placing it into my own. I thought that after that, she could stand up and angrily storm out. Who knew I’d be wrong again? She only looked at me briefly before lowering her head, continuing to eat her noodles, as if nothing had happened at all.

My interest in her started to grow. This child was quite cute and clever, so much that she really made people want to love her. I noticed that her ears were turning a cute red color. I always liked picking out nicknames for people, so I decided to call her Little Ear.

She was like my Little Yang, clean and pure.

Not long after, I found out her name. She was called Li Er. Sometimes she was called Wood Ear. The similarity between that name and the nickname I gave her was amazingly coincidental.

This world is like that, made up of innumerable coincidences. Little Ear and I weren’t the same type of girl at all, but we came to understand each other and become good friends.

I swear, when we walked out of the noodle shop, and she pulled out her umbrella to give to me, that’s what I thought.

“If you get wet, you’ll get a cold,” she said to me. I took the umbrella, and the handle was still warm from her hands. No one had treated me that well before. Moreover, we were strangers. My heart felt like a piece of cotton that had been punched, a deep nest being formed, unable to rise back up.

I held the umbrella, running all the way to Tian High. It wasn’t until I arrived that I realized I’d never opened it up. A lot of mud had splashed on my legs, making me look dirtier. I hid in a corner, hoping to see my dearest come out. My heart was tangled up with emotions, and I couldn’t escape. Suddenly, someone rapped lightly on my head, giving me a great fright.

“Hi,” he said. “I guessed you’d be here, and here you are.”

It was Xu Yi.

Oh, that was strange. I had been keeping an eye on the school gates, but I hadn’t seen him come out.

I smiled at him a bit stiffly.

“What’s the matter, Bala?” He took the umbrella in my hands and covered my head, asking with concern, “Your lips are purple. Are you cold?”

“Oh, a bit,” I said.

“You waited a long time for me, right?” Xu Yi said. “Third year (senior year) is like that. Even after self-study is over, the teacher talks on endlessly. But I can take tomorrow off. I think I can come out and play with you.”

I hugged myself as I listened to him speak. Absently, I responded, “Really? You’re not afraid of your mom?” I still watched the school gate out of the corner of my eye. And that’s when I saw him, walking out from the school, side by side with a girl. He had an umbrella, but it was always tilted a bit towards the girl. If I wasn’t remembering wrongly, I saw that girl at the noodle shop before.

Zhang Yang must have seen my too, but he didn’t pay me any attention. It seemed like he only nodded slightly at me and then walked past.

It was drizzling in the evening. There was a lingering scent of lilac in the air. I stood under Xu Yi’s umbrella, watching Zhang Yang hold am umbrella for another girl, as they walked past me. That girl’s face was filled with a proud arrogance as well as happiness. For the first time, I realized what it meant to be crus.h.i.+ngly defeated, to be utterly heartbroken. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pull my gaze away from their backs. I really wanted to jump out at them and s.n.a.t.c.h away his umbrella and stand in front of them. But I couldn’t do it, because I knew very clearly that if I did, then Zhang Yang would never be mine.

I swallowed. A bit of impatience spoils great plans.

“What are you looking at?” Xu Yi asked me. “Do you know him?”

“No,” I said. “I just think he’s kind of handsome.”

Xu Yi tried hard to laugh, “Is he handsome, or am I more handsome?”

“Of course my boyfriend is more handsome.” I grabbed onto Xu Yi’s arm and said, “Look at them like that. Let’s go over and see who’s the better couple!”

He stretched out his arm and pulled me to walk in front of him. With one hand, he held the umbrella, and with the other, he made sure that I walked forward carefully. We turned a corner, and another, and another, until we arrived at a place he thought was safe. We were under a large building.

It was an office building, and it was empty in the night, pitch dark.

I leaned against the wall. Xu Yi extended his hand, resting it atop my head. I could smell the scent from his body, youthful and eager, very different to Zhang Yang. This kid that I turned bad… I was afraid he would kiss me at that moment, so I turned my head and rested my chin on my shoulder. The fakeness of that innocent action made me a bit disgusted (at myself).

Voice hoa.r.s.e, Xu Yi said, “Bala, the more I see you, the more beautiful you are. Really.”

“Are you going the ball court to play tomorrow?” I asked, evading his comment.

“Didn’t I say I would spend the day with you tomorrow?” he said. “Think it over, where should we go to play?”

“I don’t have anywhere to go tonight,” I said.

“What’s wrong?”

“I had a fight with the old lady at home, so I left,” I said.

“Ah? Then what are you going to do?” He seemed a bit fl.u.s.tered.

Without reason, I said, “I want you to stay with me. Tonight, the whole night.”

“But, Bala…” He held me. “But my mom…”

“Forget it.” I lightly pushed him forward. Pretending not to care, “Forget it. I’ll stay at the bar for the night. It will be day soon anyway. You should hurry home. Bye bye!”

“Bala!” He rushed over to grab me. “Don’t be angry. I’ll think of something.”

“Like what?” I said.

Surprisingly, he said, “Why don’t you come to my house!”

I stared at him with eyes wide open.