Toaster's Handbook Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the Toaster's Handbook novel. A total of 188 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : Toaster's Handbook.by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers.PREFACE Nothing
Toaster's Handbook.by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers.PREFACE Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion. All ideas he may ever have had on the subject melt a
- 188 "My son," replied the mistress pridefully. "Oh, he has gone back to Yale. He could only get away long enough to stay until New Years day, you see. I miss him dreadfully, tho." "Yas, I knowing yoost how you feel. My broder, he ban
- 187 "What you want, I suppose, is to vote, just like the men do.""Certainly not," replied Mrs. Baring-Banners. "If we couldn't do any better than that there would be no use of our voting.""There's only one thing I can think of to head off this suffra
- 186 "How very few statues there are of real women.""Yes! it's hard to get them to look right.""How so?""A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to life.""Oh, woman! in our hours of ea
- 185 "I am.""And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your husband--would you?""Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads.Then the o
- 184 "Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife.He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."MIKE--"She is thot."PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"MIKE--"
- 183 WIVES "Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?""I believe so, my son," said the father."Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?'"--_Town Topics_.A ch
- 182 During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," replied the other. "Are you?""No," was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list,
- 181 an' the eatin'!""Well, Lillie, this sounds delightful," said her mistress, "but you have left out the point of your story--I hope you have a good husband."Lillie's tone changed to indignation: "Now, Miss Annie,
- 180 "When there's no frost there's sure to be snow, and when there's no snow there's frost, and when there's neither there's sure to be rain.And the few days when it's fine they're always Sundays."On the way t
- 179 A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about George Was.h.i.+ngton, and finally she asked: "Can any one now tell me which Was.h.i.+ngton was--a great general or a great admiral?"The small son of a fisherman raised his
- 178 WAGES "Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia.""Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da boss eata me."Commenting on the co
- 177 UMBRELLAS A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in ten minutes." On returning to
- 176 "Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone individual, who occupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a million." "It aint that," piped back this one helplessly as the rest of the congregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I cant get
- 175 "I suppose," commented a friend, "that when you were in England you did as the English do and dropped your H's.""No," moodily responded the returned traveller; "I didn't. I did as the Americans do. I dropped my V's and X's."Then he slowly mean
- 174 For t.i.tles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their t.i.tles.--_Machiavelli_.I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all t.i.tles, the character of an "Honest Man."--_George
- 173 At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was."Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for soft and five for hard."There was a young woman named Sue, Who wanted to catch the 2:02; Said the trainman
- 172 together for about eight years, durin' which time she had been inculcatin' into him, as you might call it, the beauties of economy; but when she discovered, just lately, that he had learnt his lesson so well that he had saved up two hundred and seventee
- 171 THIN PEOPLE There was an old fellow named Green, Who grew so abnormally lean, And flat, and compressed, That his back touched his chest, And sideways he couldn't be seen.There was a young lady of Lynn, Who was so excessively thin, That when she essayed T
- 170 "I certainly do," was the reply."Well, then," said the clergyman, with a twinkle in his eye, "I would select the verse in the same Psalm: 'Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.'"THEATER "Say, old man," chattered the press-agent,
- 169 In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may be expected to ask: "What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars desire?""Hohi, two-three."Silence. Then the exchange resumes."Will the honorable person graciously forgive t
- 168 TEARS Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel, when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes.Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye
- 167 A--"I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her sorely a week ago. She has not spoken a syllable to me since."B--"Would you mind telling me what it was?"In general those who have nothing to say Contrive to spend the longest
- 166 "What's the matter, Bill?""Oh, I'm all right, I guess," Taft called out to his friend good-naturedly; "but say, Joe, if you don't find me here in the morning look in the cellar."One morning a few summers ago Pr
- 165 After a few moments' deep thought: "Say, ma, then don't you think they'd be lots more surprised if you did take us all?"SWIMMERS Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about their ability as long distance s
- 164 "Youll find a good many," admitted the native, "when the hotels fill up." SUNDAY Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he said one day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, "nurse, is
- 163 I'd rather be a Could Be If I could not be an Are; For a Could Be is a May Be, With a chance of touching par.I'd rather be a Has Been Than a Might Have Been, by far; For a Might Have Been has never been, But a Has was once an Are.'Tis not i
- 162 "Well, here, take my card, and tell her these are from the same one who sent the other three boxes."The little girl was having a great deal of trouble p.r.o.nouncing some of the words she met with. "Vinegar" had given her the most trou
- 161 "Yes," said the man doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a d-d-deucedly d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-w-work into an ordin-n-nary c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know."STATESMEN A statesman is a deal politician.--_Mr. Dooley_.A statesman
- 160 SPINSTERS "Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for a relative or friend?" asks the minister."I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want the congregation to pray for my husband.&q
- 159 "What are her days at home?""Oh, a society leader has no days at home anymore. Nowadays she has her telephone hours."Society consists of two cla.s.ses, the upper and the lower. The latter cultivates the dignity of labor, the former the
- 158 _See_ Buildings.SLEEP Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomnia told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or three gla.s.ses of milk before going to bed," said he, "and I'll warrant you�
- 157 The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was playing a closely contested game of golf. He carefully teed up his ball and addressed it with the most aproved grace; he raised his driver and hit the ball a tremendous clip, but instead of soarin
- 156 about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think? She marched right down herself and bought that hat!"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the sentiment good-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant,
- 155 SENSE OF HUMOR "What of his sense of humor?""Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once."--_Richard Kirk_."A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says Rear Admiral Buhler. "But even a sense
- 154 "Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate pumps two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."SCOTCH, THE A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his neighbors on week days.It being the
- 153 "Robert dear, have you saved up that thousand yet?""Why, no, my love," he replied; "not all of it.""How much have you saved, darling?""Just two dollars and thirty-five cents, dear.""Oh, well," sa
- 152 He who finds he has something to sell, And goes and whispers it down a well, Is not so apt to collar the dollars, As he who climbs a tree and hollers.--_The Advertiser_ SALOONS "Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who la
- 151 "Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I admit," said the Englishman. "What was your adventure, though?""Well," said the American, "as I was walking along I noticed that the mud was very thick, and pres
- 150 RESPECTABILITY "Is he respectable?"'"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing a railroad."--_Wasp_.REST CURE A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair of shoulders
- 149 Pat was busy on a road working with his coat off. There were two Englishmen laboring on the same road, so they decided to have a joke with the Irishman. They painted a donkey's head on the back of Pat's coat, and watched to see him put it on. Pa
- 148 SOLEMN SENIOR--"So your efforts to get on the team were fruitless, were they?"FOOLISH FRESHMAN--"Oh, no! Not at all. They gave me a lemon."--_Harvard Lampoon_.A benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windla.s.sing rock from a
- 147 The friends.h.i.+p existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is proof against differences in race and religion. Each distinguished for his learning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in chaffing each other. They were seated opposite each othe
- 146 RECONCILIATIONS "Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing.""Why don't you make up?""I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity."REFORMERS LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer.
- 145 "'You moost, you moost!' screamed Ole."'Crawl into that gunny-sack then,' said I."He'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff."'Seen Ole?' said he."'Don't see him here,'
- 144 "'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now.'"Three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excellent train service each had in his special locality: one was fr
- 143 An Irishman and a Jew were discussing the great men who had belonged to each race and, as may be expected, got into a heated argument. Finally the Irishman said: "Ikey, listen. For ivery great Jew ye can name ye may pull out one of me whiskers, an�
- 142 QUESTIONS The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she remembers.--_Wasp_.It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the twelve-twenty train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one. The ensuing handicap was watched with absorbed
- 141 A pause. Then Willie answered between sobs: "Well, Father, who started this war, anyway?"A little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told to sit on a certain chair that was in the corner of her room, as a punishment for something s
- 140 PUNISHMENT A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the teacher: "Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home except in self-defense.""No, sirree!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Bunkerton. "There wasn
- 139 "How so?""Wa-al," drawled the man, "we didn't know what was going on in Chicago, of course. But then, neither did Chicago folks know what was going on down here."PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS The attorney demanded to know
- 138 PROPRIETY There was a young lady of Wilts, Who walked up to Scotland on stilts; When they said it was shocking To show so much stocking, She answered: "Then what about kilts?"--_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.PROSPERITY May bad fortune follow you all yo
- 137 A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the use of words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what he was saying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent prayer, he pleaded: "O Lord! waken thy cause in the hear
- 136 A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty words about a motorcar. She submitted the following: "My uncle bought a motorcar. He was riding in the country when it busted up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The othe
- 135 PRINTERS The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast "hoe," the carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up tall columns"; and he surpa.s.ses the lawyer and the doctor in attending to the "cas
- 134 "With what was left over from last Sunday," said Mr. Smith.The late Bishop Foss once visited a Philadelphia physician for some trifling ailment. "Do you, sir," the doctor asked, in the course of his examination, "talk in your slee
- 133 "Pa's prayers for a happy Thanksgiving," the boy answered, as he proceeded to unload potatoes, bacon, flour and other provisions for the afflicted family.A little girl in Was.h.i.+ngton surprised her mother the other day by closing her even
- 132 POLITICS Politics consists of two sides and a fence.If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British public, I should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in every four or five years.--_A.E.W. Mason_.LITTLE CLARENCE (who has an inquiri
- 131 Recipe for a policeman: To a quart of boiling temper add a pint of Irish stew Together with cracked nuts, long beats and slugs; Serve hot with mangled citizens who ask the time of day-- The receipt is much the same for making thugs.--_Life_._See also_ Ser
- 130 PLEASURE BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party yesterday."WILLIE--"I bet I did."BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?"Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don'
- 129 EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars."MEDICAL STUDENT--"I mean what did he have?"EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars."The three degrees in medical treatment--Positive, ill; comparative, pill; superlative, bill."What c
- 128 Yesterday this day's madness did prepare; Tomorrow's silence, triumph, or despair.Drink! For you know not whence you came, nor why; Drink! For you know not why you go, nor where.--_Omar Khayyam_ PHILADELPHIA A Staten Island man, when the mosquit
- 127 A sn.o.bbish young Englishman visiting Was.h.i.+ngton's home at Mount Vernon was so patronizing as to arouse the wrath of guards and caretakers; but it remained for "Shep" Wright, an aged gardener and one of the first scouts of the Confeder
- 126 "How do you like your stepmother, Bob?""Like her! Why fellers, I just love her. All I wish is I had a stepfather, too.""Well, Bobby, what do you want to be when you grow up?"BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)
- 125 "General Buckneh is making a speech. General Buckneh suh, is a bo'n oratah.""What do you mean by bo'n oratah?""If you or I, suh, were asked how much two and two make, we would reply 'foh.' When this is asked of
- 124 "Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs.c.u.mrox."There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband."Yes.""Then I guess it's one of them."OPPORTUNITY
- 123 OCEAN A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down from Boston."Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning."Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the
- 122 "And who are you?" he next inquired, turning his resentful gaze on the chocolate-colored office-devil clearing out the waste basket."Me?" rejoined the darky, grinning from ear to ear. "Ah guess ah's de cul'ud supplement.
- 121 "Plowing," said the farmer.There is nothing new except what is forgotten.--_Mademoiselle Berlin_.NEWSPAPERS A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make y
- 120 "Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good.""Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?""Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but dat spot wouldn't come out.""Well, G
- 119 "For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn't heard a robin this summer."NAVIGATION The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the Captain why he didn't go on."Can't see
- 118 "I have it here," he said, handing the teacher a dirty sc.r.a.p of paper on which was written--Patrick Dennis McCarty.A shy young man once said to a young lady: "I wish dear, that we were on such terms of intimacy that you would not mind ca
- 117 A thief broke into a Madison avenue mansion early the other morning and found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he took refuge behind a screen.From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.From nine to te
- 116 To which the business man replied: "Sorry I am short of funds, but your proposition interests me."An undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had died and asked whether he should bury, embalm or cremate her. The man replied, "
- 115 Quickly the door swung upon its ponderous hinges and a grave, majestic-looking woman confronted the visitor with an air of inquiry."Madam," said the officer doffing his cap and overcome by her dignity, "I have come to claim your horses in t
- 114 The steamer was on the point of leaving, and the pa.s.sengers lounged on the deck and waited for the start. At length one of them espied a cyclist in the far distance, and it soon became evident that he was doing his level best to catch the boat.Already t
- 113 "Now that you have made $50,000,000, I suppose you are going to keep right on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred millions?""No, sir. You do me an injustice. I'm going to put in the rest of my time trying to get my conscience in
- 112 "If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread conflagration of the populace will be so imminent that it will require only a spark to let loose the dogs of war in our midst. Will you persist in hurling the corner stone of our personal liber
- 111 "No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him, but I done fo'got sence I jined de chu'ch."A noted college president, attending a banquet in Boston, was surprised to see that the darky who took the hats at
- 110 MATRIMONY _See_ Marriage.MEASURING INSTRUMENTS "Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short and stout friend on Was.h.i.+ngton Street."What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other."We
- 109 A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and cruelly misusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the prisoner, the justice turned to the first witness."Madam," he said, "if this man were your husband and had given you
- 108 A man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk one Sat.u.r.day evening when a good Samaritan intervened."See here, my man," he protested, "this sort of thing won't do.""What business is it of yours, I'd li
- 107 MAKING GOOD "What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus."Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wif him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on bl
- 106 'Tis better to have lived and loved Than never to have lived at all.--_Judge_.May we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts.Here's to love, the only fire against which there is no insurance.Here's to those that I love; Here'
- 105 LIFE Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some float and the rest--sink.I count life just a stuff To try the soul's strength on.--_Robert Browning_.May you live as long as you like, And have what you like as long as you
- 104 And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car: "You really are! You really are!"MOTHER--"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told stories when I was a little girl."BOBBY--"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"--_
- 103 A tramp, after a day or two in the hustling, bustling town of Denver, shook the Denver dust from his boots with a snarl."They must be durn lazy people in this town. Everywhere you turn they offer you work to do."An Atlanta man tells of an amusin
- 102 "Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided."I have none, sir," replied the prisoner."Why not?" queried the judge."Because I have no money to pay one.""Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge."
- 101 LAUGHTER TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom."FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted."Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep, and the laugh's on you.About the
- 100 "I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had a fit."There was an old maiden from Fife, Who had never been kissed in her life; Along came a cat; And she said, "I'll kiss that!"But the cat answer
- 99 An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme that basket, Hannah."The poor old
- 98 A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish.An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the interpreter."What does he say?" demanded his lords.h.i.+p."Nothing, my lord," was the reply
- 97 "I ne'er forget a joke I have Once heard!" Augustus cried."And neither do you let your friends Forget it!" Jane replied.--_Childe Harold_.A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the noon hour, sleeping in the h
- 96 There were three young women of Birmingham, And I know a sad story concerning 'em: They stuck needles and pins In the reverend s.h.i.+ns Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.--_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new
- 95 A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do.Come up here and let me give you some work."A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered th
- 94 But the agent interrupted him curtly."Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."INSURANCE BLANKS _See_ Irish bulls.INSURGENTS "And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call tha
- 93 "Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!" "Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights." "Is the baby strong?" "Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?" "Yes." &quo
- 92 _See also_ Cowards; Domestic finance.HYBRIDIZATION We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimen
- 91 "Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman."Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."NEIGHBOR--"I s&#
- 90 "You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the morning of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet.""Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host comfortably. "I hope they'l
- 89 HONOR In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried: "All tickets, please!"Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned t