More Toasts Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the More Toasts novel. A total of 217 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : More Toasts.Edited by Marion Dix Mosher.PREFACE The success of the Toaster's Handbo
More Toasts.Edited by Marion Dix Mosher.PREFACE The success of the Toaster's Handbook has encouraged its publishers to compile another that will supplement it and bring it up-to-date. New subjects keep coming to the front, and the up-to-date toaster
- 101 A traveler who alighted from the train in a small Southern town was greeted by a colored porter, who shouted at him, "Palace hotel, boss!"and grabbed the traveler's baggage, and the latter said, "Wait a minute, Rastus. Is this hotel American or Europe
- 102 HUNTING As the camper was cleaning his gun, along came a woodsman."Been hunting today?" he asked."Yes.""Shot anything?""I don't know yet. I'm waiting for the rest of the party to get into camp so we can call the roll."FIRST SIMPLE NIMROD--"Hey,
- 103 A teacher was trying to explain the dangers of overwork to one of the smaller pupils."Now, Tommy," she pursued, "if your father were busy all day and said he would have to go back to the office at night, what would he be doing?""That's what ma wants
- 104 --_Samuel Butler_. There is no vice so simple, but a.s.sumes Some mark of virtue on his outward parts. --_Shakespeare_. Thus tis with all--their chief and constant care Is to seem everything but what they are. --_Goldsmith_. Dare to be true. Nothing can n
- 105 After the landlord had withdrawn in great indignation, Kipling asked for his bill, and he discovered that the last item was, "To impudence--three dollars."He that has but impudence, To all things has a fair pretence; And puts among his wants but shame,
- 106 THE VISITOR--"Does your new baby brother cry much, Ethel?"LITTLE ETHEL--"He cries when you stick pins in him or make faces at him or bounce him up and down. But what can you expect? He's too little to swear."Maggie had a new baby brother, which every
- 107 "And," continued the woman anxiously, "do you make any inquiries as to the origin of the fire?""Certainly," was the prompt reply."Oh!" and she turned to leave the office, "I thought there was a catch in it somewhere.""I say, Jones, I want to in
- 108 Q. Born? A. Yes; once. Q. Nativity? A. Baptist. Q. Married or single? A. Have been both. Q. Parents alive yet? A. Not yet. Q. Hair? A. Thin. Q. Voice? A. Weak. Q. Healthy? A. Sometimes. Q. Previous experience? A. No. Q. Where? A. Different places. Q. Busi
- 109 MULDOON--"He's a feller pwhat burns his bridges behind him an' thin crosses thim before he comes to thim.""Mrs. Flanagan," said the Landlord, "I've decided to raise your rent.""Ah, now," beamed Mrs. Flanagan. "It's the darlint ye certinly are
- 110 "Troth, an' I will sir," was Pat's reply, as he pocketed the money."Come with me."For many weary miles over mountain, bog, and moor they tramped, until they came into view of a barracks. Pointing to a soldier seated on a step inside the square, Pat
- 111 Father Duffy is credited by the New York World with this after-dinner story: "An old s.e.xton asked me, 'Father, weren't the Apostles Jews?' I said they were. Puzzled, he demanded: 'Then how the deuce did the Jews let go of a good thing like the Cath
- 112 "Oh, isn't he? Well, then I'll wait."FIRST WAR-CORRESPONDENT--"Did your dispatch get past the censor?"SECOND WAR-CORRESPONDENT--"Only the part that wasn't true.""Well, isn't that all your paper wants?"--Life."Getting out a daily column is no
- 113 A suit for damages was being tried not long ago in one of the divisions of a Southern city court. A country lad, seventeen or eighteen years of age, was put on the stand to testify. He gave his testimony in so low a tone that the judge, pointing to the ju
- 114 "Let it out.""Not at all," replied the General; "he hadn't done his kind act: he thought of the cat."Kindness is wisdom. There is none in life But needs it and may learn.--_Bailey_.Beauty lives with kindness.--_Shakespeare_.KINGS AND RULERS _Kings
- 115 "And then the pretty American girl seized his right hand and kissed it. Colonel Fabry stood near by. He strolled over and said to Lieutenant de Tessan: "'Heavens, man, why didn't you tell her that you bit him to death.'"According to Dr. Bramer, the
- 116 While he was waiting for the train in which he was to travel to Barranquilla, two peons went by with a wheelbarrow minus the wheel.It was a contrivance with handles at both ends, and it required the services of two men to move it.Turning to a steamer acqu
- 117 "What you pay a lawyer before he does any work for you, my son.""Oh, I see. It's like the quarter you put in the gas-meter before you get any gas."After a young lawyer had talked nearly five hours to a jury, who felt like lynching him, his opponent,
- 118 _See also_ Judges.LAZINESS "I was in need of help to harvest my prune crop," said the grower, "and I went to a saloon in a near-by city. On entering the place I accosted the barkeeper, and asked him if any of the men lounging about the plac
- 119 LEGISLATION "Have you made any resolutions or turned over a new leaf or anything like that?""No," replied the man with the serene smile. "No need of them. If I have any lingering vices I feel that I need only wait for somebody to
- 120 LIBERTY BONDS "We accept Liberty Bonds at their full value for all goods."Thus reads a placard in the window of a wholesale liquor house. We have often wondered what the height of damphoolishness might be, having tried various things, but there
- 121 But tell me, do you libr'yites Believe in fairies too?--_H.I.B. in the Use of Print_.A certain woman who came in to take out a card, upon being told she must give the name of a friend as reference said, "Why, I have no friends. I was a librarian
- 122 _Life Is No Problem_ Life is no problem to the heart That understands itself, That does not sit above, apart Upon some higher shelf.And moralize on destiny And other things obscure, But has no more philosophy Than changeless love and pure.Life is no probl
- 123 "Hiram writes that the first day he was in London he lost 12.""Great Caesar's ghost! Ain't they got any health laws in that town?"LOST AND FOUND OLD GENTLEMAN (in street car)--"Has anyone here dropped a roll of bills, wi
- 124 Do you know why the rabbits are caught in the snare Or the tabby cat's shot on the tiles?Why the tigers and lions creep out of their lair?Why an ostrich will travel for miles?Do you know why a sane man will whimper and cry And weep o'er a ribbon
- 125 "Oh, to give a touch of realism;--we are now preparing our great Midsummer Fiction Number," was the great editor's kindly reply.--_E.C.H_.MAJORITY "You don't mean to tell me you ever doubt the wisdom of the majority?""We
- 126 Henry drove in a nail on the left. This done, he also drove one in the wall on the right."Why are you driving that second nail?" asked Mr. Killifer."Why, boss, dat's to save me de trouble of bringin' de ladder tomorrow when you co
- 127 FORTUNE-TELLER--"You wish to know about your future husband?"CUSTOMER--"No; I wish to know about the past of my present husband for future use.""Do you act toward your wife as you did before you married her?""Exactly. I
- 128 "And young?" interrupted the lady."Yes, and very rich."The beautiful lady grasped the fortune teller's hands and pressed them hard."Thank you," she said. "Now tell me one thing more. How shall I get rid of my presen
- 129 "No, dear," replied he; "that is a pleasure I have yet in antic.i.p.ation." A man of perhaps 55, wearing a rough peajacket, showing glimpses of a soiled pink silk s.h.i.+rt, with a rubber collar, approached and in confiding tones asked
- 130 "What are the directions?""Keep the bottle tightly corked."MEMORY Most of us forget to remember; it is harder, far, to remember to forget. And the more one endeavors to forget, the more memory insists."So you really think your mem
- 131 _See also_ Husbands. METHODISTS He came of good Methodist stock and they were telling him about the disciples. They told him quite a lot about them, and somehow he didnt seem quite satisfied. At last he voiced his trouble: "But were they all Disciple
- 132 "The man who said that, step forward," was the immediate command. The entire company stepped out and repeated the quotation.The lieutenant looked up and down the line. "Dismissed," he announced shortly.The men thought they had gotten t
- 133 CAPTAIN (speaking to raw recruit trying to drill)--"What was your occupation before entering the army?"ROOKIE--"Traveling salesman, sir."CAPTAIN--"Stick around; you'll get plenty of orders here."MILK "You are charge
- 134 Amos Whittaker, a miserly millionaire, was approached by a friend who used his most persuasive powers to have him dress more in accordance with his station in life."I am surprised, Amos," said the friend "that you should allow yourself to b
- 135 TOMORROW--"What do we care for prices? We haven't any money!""You know," Biggs, the confirmed alarmist, declared impressively, "it's getting so that it is positively dangerous for a man to carry around a good-sized roll
- 136 She's what put clothes and shoes on you.She keeps care of you.She's who's good to you.She's your creator.She's what's dead on to me.Best composite portrait of a mother ever painted._Mother_ She loves me in spite of my faults;
- 137 PROMOTER--"I have here a scheme for revamping old films."MANAGER--"Beat it! I'm too busy refilming old vamps."An old couple from the country wandered into a moving picture show in town. As they entered a cow-boy picture was being
- 138 "No, suh, jes' bit _at_ me."No, suh, I ain't tickle de laigs."I tickle um las' year, suh, once."Yas, suh, we twis' 'er tail."No, suh, I ain' done it."Who done it?"I t'ink he's li&#
- 139 "We sell piano music by the pound and organ music by the choir.""Samantha, what's thet chune the orchestry's a-playin' now?""The program says its 'Choppin', Hiram.""Waal--mebbe--but ter me it sou
- 140 William Williams hated nicknames. He used to say that most fine given names were ruined by abbreviations, which was a sin and a shame. "I myself," he said, "am one of six brothers. We were all given good, old-fas.h.i.+oned Christian names,
- 141 "Yes, yes"-- "But she married a Frenchman"-- "Yes.""In Italy.""Yes; but where were you born?""I was born on a s.h.i.+p flying Spanish colors while she was lying at anchor in Honolulu Harbor, but my pa
- 142 It chanced that the minister came along. Going up to Moses, he demanded harshly, "Moses, do you know the Ten Commandments?"Moses scratched his chin for a moment, and then, in an equally harsh voice, said: "Parson, yo' don't think
- 143 It stood on tiptoe, eyes aglow, It stared, and turned to whisper low Of wonders such as seldom pa.s.s That way. What swayed the living ma.s.s?What marvel from the fabled isles That drew the eye from Paris styles?A street car left the track perhaps?Two boo
- 144 "How many revolutions does the earth make in a day? Its your turn, Willie Smith." "You cant tell, teacher, till you see the morning paper." _See also_ Editors. "NO" No is one of the smallest words in the English language, and
- 145 "What shall we say of the former Senator?" asked one of the men."Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his trust.""And," queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we mention the name of the trust?"--_
- 146 OFFICE BOY--"Gee whiz: Am I expected to do the work and find it, too?"A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing his office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy, comes in for his full share of the
- 147 "There goes a fellow who chased around for years trying to land a political job.""Well, what does he do now?""Nothing--he's got the job."Uncle Mose aspired to the elective office of justice of the peace in the "blac
- 148 Finally, I say, cheer up. Let's look on the bright side rather than the dark side, and above all let us understand that there are no insurmountable obstacles standing in the path of our progress, that we are competent to solve the things that confron
- 149 _When Ma Is Sick_ When Ma is sick she pegs away; She's quiet, though; not much t' say.She goes right on a-doin' things, An' sometimes laughs and even sings.She says she don't feel extra well.But then it's just a kind o'
- 150 "I just happened to remember that I neglected to lock the safe before I left the office," he replied."Why worry?" said another member of the firm. "We are all here.""I'll clean th' snow off yer walk for a quart
- 151 PENMANs.h.i.+P Mr. Brown had just registered and was about to turn away when the clerk asked: "Beg pardon, but what is your name?""Name!" echoed the indignant guest. "Don't you see my signature there on the register?"&qu
- 152 Nothing to do but work, Nothing to eat but food, Nothing to wear but clothes, To keep one from going nude. Nothing to breathe but air, Quick as a flash tis gone; Nowhere to fall but off, Nowhere to stand but on. Nothing to comb but hair, Nowhere to sleep
- 153 CENTRAL--"But this is a long-distance call."PLEASURE Pleasures are like liqueurs: they must be drunk but in small gla.s.ses.--_Romainville_.POETRY EDITOR--"This isn't poetry, my dear man; it's merely an escape of gas."WOULD-B
- 154 Politeness is the art of getting what you want.MRS. SMITH--"Politeness costs nothing, I am sure, my dear."SMITH--"No; but if it was advertised at $1.98, a lot more people would have it.""Hum, ho!" sighed the New-Hamps.h.i.+re
- 155 The farmer's eyes twinkled as he slowly drawled: "Waal, I reckon I do.He's in the house now, holding the baby."--_Everybody's_."Some of your const.i.tuents are disagreeing with you," said the trusted lieutenant."Wel
- 156 YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Father, what is a traitor in politics?"VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one."YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to y
- 157 "He never has to give the excuse that he has left his music home and can't play without his notes."The love of praise, howe'er conceal'd by art, Reigns, more or less, and glows, in ev'ry heart: The proud, to gain it, toils on
- 158 SMALL YOUTH--"I ain't goin' to say my prayers tonight, mother. I'm goin' to take a chance."--_Life_.Bobby had been taught to remember all his relatives when he said his prayers. One night, as he knelt at his mother's kne
- 159 "I say, have we got to listen to this?"The minister, surprised and confused, turned to the keeper and said: "Shall I stop speaking?"The keeper replied: "No, no; gang along, gang along; that will not happen again. That man only has
- 160 PRETENSION Pretension is a kind of velvet cloak I wear to hide my real self from view, And yet where'er I meet with other folk I always find they wear this garment too.Pretension is a kind of golden veil Behind whose mesh I seek to hide my face, And
- 161 PROFANITY When father came home to dinner he observed a vacant chair at the table. "Where's the boy?" he asked, nodding to the chair."Harry is up-stairs," came in a tone of painful precision from the mother."I hope he is not
- 162 "No, sah, Ah doan't neber ride on dem things," said an old colored lady looking in on the merry-go-round. "Why, de other day I seen dat Rastus Johnson git on an' ride as much as a dollah's worth an' git off at the very s
- 163 BLUCK--"Why do vessels leaving New York make the greatest speed the first three miles?"BLYNK--"The bartenders help stoke.""Do you find that prohibition has deprest Crimson Gulch?""No," answered Cactus Joe. "We&
- 164 "Well, that's right, anyhow. H--hn--hnh--_hrahnhss_!""You'd better go to Arizona! You'll _never_ get well here! I don't believe you, anyway. Everybody says _Reems_.""They don't, either!""They do
- 165 "Has it?" responded Gladys, without showing any great concern."Yes," answered John Henry, "and they say they are also advancing house rents, while sugar--""Look here, John Henry!" suddenly interjected the fair one,
- 166 A small boy seated on the curb by a telephone-pole, with a tin can by his side, attracted the attention of an old gentleman who happened to be pa.s.sing."Going fis.h.i.+ng?" he inquired, good-naturedly."Nope," the youngster replied. &q
- 167 GUEST--"Who is the next speaker?"CHAIRMAN--"Before telling you who he is, I would rather wait until you come back."--_Life_.William Lyon Phelps, professor of English Literature at Yale, declares he gets credit for only 25 per cent of t
- 168 PUNCTUALITY _Epitaph for Any New Yorker_ I, who all my life had hurried, Came to Peter's crowded gate; And, as usual, was worried, Fearing that I might be late So, when I began to jostle (I forgot that I was dead) Patient smiled the old Apostle: &quo
- 169 VISITOR (comforting Tommy, who has upset a bottle of ink on the new carpet)--"Never mind, my boy; no use to cry over spilled milk."TOMMY (indignantly)--"Any dunce would know that. If it's milk that's spilled all you have to do is
- 170 "You understand your duties thoroughly, dont you?" she said to the new footman. "Yes, maam, certainly, maam." "And you know your way to announce?" "Well, maam, I shouldnt perhaps like to go quite so far as that, but I th
- 171 "The newspapers and th' legislatures."An old Cornish woman who had never before traveled by rail went to a country station to catch a train. She sat herself down on a seat in the station, and after sitting there for about two hours, the sta
- 172 "It is very strange that no one has ever been able to find Captain Kidd's treasure.""Oh, well, Captain Kidd isn't the only man who has put his money into real estate and couldn't get it out."REAL ESTATE AGENTS STEVE--&qu
- 173 "'How do you know ours will be the winning side?' asked a prospective recruit."'Well, my lad,' said the sergeant, 'you know the Germans have been trying for more than a year and a half to win and have failed, don't
- 174 Dr. Lyman P. Powell gives some examples of the lengths to which petty bitterness between sects will sometimes carry men. "A visitor in a certain town which had four churches and adequately supported none, asked a pillar of one poor dying church,
- 175 The big man with the I-know-it-all expression sneeringly watched the little man who was eating from a sack of peanuts."Down where I come from we use peanuts to fatten hogs," remarked the big man."That so?" asked the little man. "H
- 176 "Well, I guess that was a busy week for the shepherds watching their flocks!"Once in a while the choirs do get back at the minister, as, for example, in a Connecticut church the other Sunday morning. The minister announced, just after the choir
- 177 "We don't give no saucers here. If we did some low-brow'd come pilin'in an' drink out of his saucer, an' we'd lose a lot of our swellest trade.""Do you want a steak for a dollar or a dollar and a half?" de
- 178 ROADS "How are the roads in this section?" "Fine," replied Farmer Corntossel. "We've abolished bad roads." "Big job, wasn't it?" "Not at all. Wherever the going is 'specially hard we don't c
- 179 Income--something paid to you for what your father did."How do you know that Blinks has had a raise in salary?""He argues that the world is getting better; that the danger from monopolies has been greatly magnified, and that human nature is
- 180 "Fine," beamed the agent. Manufacturer reached for the "good-business" cigars. "How fine?" "Got two good orders," the agent said. "Ah-ha," grinned the boss. "Who were they from?" "One,"
- 181 There is no real suffering in Mexico now, except that of the schoolboy who is trying to learn the dates of all the revolutions.CRABSHAW--"Why do you wish to leave school and go to work when you're so young?"WILLIE--"It's this way,
- 182 SEASICKNESS "My dear old fellow! What's the matter? The sea's like a duck-pond!""I know, old boy--but I've taken six--different--remedies."--_Punch_.The Chief Justice while presiding over the Supreme Court at Was.h.i.+ng
- 183 "Yes, sir," said the trust magnate, proudly, "I am the architect of my own fortune.""Well," rejoined the friendly critic, "all I've got to say is that it's a lucky thing for you there were no building inspector
- 184 SENTRIES _See_ Armies.SERMONS _See_ Preaching.SERVANTS MISTRESS--"Bridget, I'm tired of your carelessness. Only look at that dust on the furniture. It's six weeks old at the very least."BRIDGET--"Shure, it's no fault av moine
- 185 "Does your family have any trouble with servants?""No," replied Mr. Crosslots; "I don't believe any of them stay around the place long enough to become really troublesome."Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charg
- 186 "But I thought I saw one in your kitchen?""Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a time; but we don't keep them."FIRST MAID (bragging about a party given the day before by her mistress)--"And they all came in l
- 187 "Eight, sir," replied the grocer."T-t-t-tough or t-t-tender?""Some are tender and some tough," was the reply."I k-keep b-b-b-boarders," said the new customer. "P-pick out the four t-toughest t-t-turkeys, if you
- 188 "Movie theater sign: "'Watch Your Wife'Every Night This Week."--_Albany Argus_."Sign in front of Harlem movie theater: "'Mother, I Need You for Three Days Beginning Nov. 30'.""Sign in front of movie h
- 189 The little fellow listened intently, and as his mother finished he looked up at her gravely and said: "No, no, mother; you talk exactly the way you did last week when you took me to the dentist to have the tooth pulled."This a sacred rule we fin
- 190 When Peter comes his card to read-- Hell take the sign "No smoking" down, Then Heaven will be Heaven indeed. --_Oliver Herford_. Sn.o.bBERY A well-known society performer volunteered to entertain a roomful of patients of the Colney Hatch Lunatic
- 191 "My wife watches the sugar market closely.""Speculating?""In a small way. She borrows when it's high and pays back when it's low."The old millionaire and his beautiful bride, after their quiet wedding, had a quiet w
- 192 The boss chuckled, "Good. Now let me hear you spell 'essential.'"The fair girl hesitated for the fraction of a second."There are three ways," she replied. "Which do you prefer?"And she got the job.JONES--"'
- 193 WILLIS--"Come with me. I've got two extras."GILLIS--"Who are they?"WILLIS--"Miss Oldbud and Miss Pa.s.se."GILLIS--"They're not extras. They're early editions.""I'm glad Billy had the sense t
- 194 "S-c, S-c--er--er--er--- Tell him I'll meet him in Albany."Stenographers can nod sometimes, even with the accuracy of the dictating machine. Recently a merchant dictating into one of these machines said: "The gentleman in question has
- 195 REDDY BACKROW (whose father belongs to the union)--"You'd have the durndest strike on your hands you ever saw, teacher.""Everybody's striking,"Said the Old Clock on the shelf; "It seems to be the fas.h.i.+on.So I think I
- 196 _He Must Dig_ He wanted a job, and, like every one else, He wanted a good one, you know; Where his clothes would not soil and his hands would keep clean, And the salary must'nt be low.He asked for a pen; but they gave him a spade, And he half turned
- 197 "How is your little brother, Johnny?""Sick abed. He hurt himself.""That's too bad. How did he do it?""We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won."_See also_ Determination.SUITORS The
- 198 BOY--"I dont know. Youd better ask him. Thats him a little farther up the stream." FOND MOTHER--"Oh, Reginald! Reginald! I thought I told you not to play with your soldiers on Sunday." REGINALD--"But I call them the Salvation Army on Sunday." "Hele
- 199 SYNONYMS TEACHER--"Hawkins, what is a synonym?"HAWKINS--"Please, sir, it's a word you use in place of another when you cannot spell the other one."TACT "I must say these are fine biscuits!" exclaimed the young husband."How could you say those are
- 200 In due time the report was returned with these words after the father's signature, "You ought to hear his mother."_Just Suppose_ If all that we say In a single day, With never a word left out, Were printed each night In clear black and white, 'Twould