Jokes Book Collection Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the Jokes Book Collection novel. A total of 473 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : PART I.CHAPTER 1.THE EARLY DAYS.Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like comin
PART I.CHAPTER 1.THE EARLY DAYS.Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like coming out of the cinema in the afternoon having watched a romantic film - all that bright light and everyone crying.Johnny's was a notable birth. He was so ugly the n
- 173 FEMININITY.Julia: "f.a.n.n.y married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for."Gertrude: "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."GETTING EVEN.Mrs. Lynks: "Jack, I have made up my mind t
- 172 Small Girl: "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."Smaller Girl (with air of superiority): "My mummy was married years ago.""Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?""Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants
- 171 Applicant for Situation: "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR."George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and-she's still looking at it through her lorgnette.""I
- 170 During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said: "Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting place, and there cast your vote along with his
- 169 VICTORY.That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts. When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the museum, and his guide had explained tha
- 168 "Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he had been told: "I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized country to come and live in this lonesomeness.""Fact was," th
- 167 "Self-starter?""You bet!"SUNDAY SCHOOL.The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded pair."I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you send your children?"When s
- 166 "No, suh," he declared with great emphasis. "Not perzactly, suh. I didn't git mah freedom, suh, after de war-I done got married!"SMELLS.An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time of service in the Darda
- 165 The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. There was twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the one in the waiting-room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy made a careful survey of the two clocks, and s
- 164 Abe: "Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what the Lord has done for you?"Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tinged with bitterness: "It looks as though the Lawd done rui
- 163 Shopper:-"Are these eggs fresh?"Apprentice:-"Yes, ma'am, they be."Shopper:-"How long since they were laid?"Apprentice:-"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am-I know, I laid them eggs there myself."PROPERTY.
- 162 "Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of little Raymond in the following st
- 161 "Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring-I belong to the Stand and Stare Club."She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet."I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll
- 160 PEACEMAKER.The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your brains out!""It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, &q
- 159 A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the display of ba.s.sinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked: "Where are your sideboards?"Th
- 158 MONEY VALUE.A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various viands, and did not hesitate to giv
- 157 "But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!""Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never mind, since
- 156 LOVE.The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love: "Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things after each other."LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT.The little girl came in tears to her mother."G.o
- 155 KINs.h.i.+P.The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his explanation: "They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."The S
- 154 Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer sought him out again."It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer explained. "He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars."O'T
- 153 A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father interviewed him: "Clinton, you
- 152 HELP.The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: "How's that new hand o' your'n?""Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand-he's a sore th
- 151 But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud and evidently worn with fatigue."Hi, dar, n.i.g.g.e.r!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de las' foh days?"And Sam answered simply: "Ah&#
- 150 FLOWERS.Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning- "An attachment a la Plato For a bashful young potato."Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life. Nevertheless,
- 149 EXPERTS.There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circ.u.mstances of the case had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky as to how he had managed to
- 148 In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as foll
- 147 DREAMS.The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of dreams and their significance.During a pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked: "Do you believe that dreams come true?"&q
- 146 "Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have to find with your husband."And the wife was explicit: "He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!""Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated
- 145 In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him: "The show is very good, don't you think?"The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied: "Me, I alw
- 144 "And have you washed your face thoroughly?""Yes, mother.""And were you particular to wash behind your ears?""On her side I did, mother."COMMUNITY.The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pre
- 143 The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a red nose who sat near.These were: "First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it. That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."BURGLARY.A young co
- 142 Possibly he welcomed the advent of prohibition-possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows: "Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore gallins of
- 141 PART IV.JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS.ABSENTMINDEDNESS.The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrell
- 140 PART III.Most commonly known as "Abo jokes". However, even the term "Abo" has become "politically incorrect". This is unfortunate, as it is actually legitimate Australian slang. A lot of Australian slang for nouns are an abbr
- 139 Q: What do American right-wingers think about Joseph Stalin's grave?A: It a Communist Plot!Confucius says...A Man that throws away his watch is losing time.All men eat, but Fu Manchu.If your tires are bald, expect hairy driving.A woman on a weight wa
- 138 8. It's a little dry - do you still want to eat it?9. Just wait your turn - you'll get some!10. Don't play with your meat.11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people
- 137 The widow.A widow is sitting on a beach when she notices a guy place his towel on the sand and begin reading a book.A little lonely, she attempts to strike up a conversation with him."Morning, nice day?""Sure is," responds the guy and
- 136 "No get lost, it's gone three in the morning," the husband replies.After climbing back into bed the husband tells his wife what happened."Well that wasn't very nice of you," she says, "Remember that night when we broke d
- 135 "Hum," says the genie, "let me have another look at those corgis."Two married women are talking and one says to her pal, "My husband tried to put the magic back into our love life last night.""Really!" says her frie
- 134 Q and A Jokes.Q: Which Monster plays the most practical jokes?A: Prank-enstein.Q: Why do women fart after they pee?A: They can't shake it, so they blow-dry it!Q: How do you know when a plane if full of female pa.s.sengers?A: When it lands and they tu
- 133 A Man who eats metal paper fastenings has a staple diet.In time of recession a manufacturer's of percussion instruments should try to drum up some business.Ore is always a load off someone's mine.A lawyer for a church does plenty of cross-examin
- 132 "O," replies the teacher, "it's a Sauce pan."Light bulbs.Little Johnny and his two friends are talking one day.The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool, he can eat four Burgers at one meal."The second one says, "Tha
- 131 A: They spend most of their time with their feet in the air!Q: Why are lesbians fatter than straight women?A: Because they don't do d.i.c.k.Q: What is the first symptom of Aids?A: A terrible pounding sensation in the a.r.s.e.Q: How can you tell if a
- 130 Girl: I'd like you to see less of me 'cause I'm on a diet.Guy: I'd like to take you to dinner.Girl: Sounds good. Will you be able to pick me up again afterwards?Guy: Kiss me and I'll tell you a secret.Girl: I know your secret pal
- 129 "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" asks young woman."No," replies the priest, "but it should wipe that smile off of your face!"The Sunday Golf Game.A was preacher an avid golfer and liked to play every chance he can get. One
- 128 A: King Kong merrily on high!Q: What do you give a Railway worker for Christmas?A: Platform shoes!Q: What did the little candle say to the big candle?A: I'm going out tonight!Q: Had do you feel at Christmas?A: Yule be happy!Q: How long does it take t
- 127 "h.e.l.lo, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office. If you are still with me, leave y
- 126 FACT: There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those who don't.Deep Thoughts.He who laughs last - thinks slowest.A day without suns.h.i.+ne is like night.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.Back up m
- 125 Two Flies.Two flies b.u.mp into each other over a pool of vomit."h.e.l.lo mate," one says to the other, "I haven't seen you in ages.""Yea," replies his pal, "I've been off sick."Newsflash: A lorry load of
- 124 The gold fish.A guy looks over his fence to see the neighbour's boy, little w.i.l.l.y, filling in a hole in the garden."Hi w.i.l.l.y. What are you doing?" asks the guy."Burying my dead goldfish," sobbed w.i.l.l.y."So why do y
- 123 20. SYMPTOM: Bed is b.u.mping around.FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.ACTION: It's too late, you made complete a.r.s.ehole of self.Two Trees.Two big trees are in the woods and they notice a young tree begins to grow between them. "Is that a son o
- 122 What did the doctor say to the woman with thrush?Natural yoghurt it's the yeast you should try!Q: Who is the most popular guy in hospital?A: The ultra sound guy.The Zoo.A blonde is looking for a job and is finally offered a position at London zoo. Du
- 121 Q: Why do Ess.e.x Girls prefer men who sleep around?A: They know their condoms won't be past their Best Before Date.Ess.e.x Couple Driving along one night: Sharon: Don't you fancy me then?Trev: Yeh.Sharon: Well 'ow come we 'aven't
- 120 Q: What's the difference between Ess.e.x girl and a packet of Persil?A: Persil contains no bleach.Q: What word isn't in an Ess.e.x girl's vocabulary?A: No.Q: How do you drown an Ess.e.x girl?A: Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.
- 119 Q: An Ess.e.x girl asks her boyfriend to kiss her somewhere wet, warm and smelly A: He took her to Canvey Island.Q: Why did the Ess.e.x girl complain of s.e.xual hara.s.sment in the office?A: The boss asked her to get down to some hard work.Q: What is the
- 118 A: Cos he didn't pay for her chips.Q: Why does an Ess.e.x girl keep her feet out of the bath?A: So her ankle chains don't get rusty.Q: How do you know when Ess.e.x girl's got her period?A: She stays in to wash her hair.Q: How does an Ess.e.
- 117 Q: Why doesn't an Ess.e.x girl say much on her first date?A: She doesn't like to talk with her mouth full.Q: Why did the Ess.e.x girl stand for Parliament?A: She heard the House of Commons had a lot of members.Q: Why do Ess.e.x girls only eat on
- 116 4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: "hmmmm...Barbecue."5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long p
- 115 "Shut up!" barks the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"Pregnancy Tips.Q: Should I have another baby after 35?A: No, 35 children is enough.Q: I'm two months pregnant now.
- 114 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their b.o.o.bs stared at.Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.Telli
- 113 American Tourists.A tour busload full of noisy American tourists arrives at Runnymede in England. The group gather around the guide, who explains, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."A man pushes his way
- 112 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.They should be changed regularly...and for the same reason!Did you hear about the mountain climber that wouldn't change their cloths on top of a mountain? They thought someone might peak.A pal of mines
- 111 A hunter kills a deer and takes it to a friend that is a butcher, to clean and prepare it for eating. He takes some of the meat home for dinner, but knowing that his kids are fussy eaters he decides not to tell them what kind of meat it is.His son keeps a
- 110 "No," says Johnny, "The one without a wedding ring. But I like the way you think!"Feeling ill.A worried lady rushes to see her doctor and says, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mir
- 109 A guy goes to the doctors and says, "Doc all my friends say I'm a hypochondriac, but I'm sure I've got something wrong with me, I've got a terrible pain in my a.r.s.e.""OK drop your pants and I'll take a look,"
- 108 A: So they can find their way back to the house.Q and A.Q: What do you call a man with 144 warts?A: Gross.Q: What do you call three ducks in a crate?A: A box of quackers.Q: What do you call a skeleton that likes to solve mysteries?A: Sherlock Bones.Q: Wha
- 107 News flash: A government spokesman has announced that a number of male p.o.r.n stars are to be arrested. The spokesman confirmed that ministers have viewed the videotape evidence. The tapes conclusively show that these men have, "Weapons of a.s.s Des
- 106 "When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take or what.""Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me ag
- 105 The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Male.10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.9. A better model is always just around the corner.8. They look nice and s.h.i.+ny until you bring them home.7. It is always necessary to have a backup.6. They&#
- 104 "Telepathic watch, what's so special about it?" The intrigued woman asks."Well," says the guy, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me.""So, what's it telling you now?""It says you're not wearing any
- 103 Did you hear about the man that put a small ad in the paper looking for a wife?He got hundreds of letters all from blokes saying, "You can have mine."Q: Why did the woman cross the road?A: Never mind that what is she doing out of the kitchen?Q:
- 102 The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore d.i.c.k and an b.u.t.t full of quarters!What was that for?A guy was sitting quietly reading his pape
- 101 "Why do you say that, my little one?""Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a penny!"Gash.A man wakes up after some special tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.&qu
- 100 Two deer are gossiping about a new girl in the office."I'm not saying she's promiscuous," says one, "but there's a sign on her desk that reads, 'The buck stops here.'"Enemies to the west.A knight and his men re
- 99 Bill: "Of course he doesn't! He does undercover work!"Teacher: "Ok who cla.s.s, who can tell me how the counties of England got their names?"Johnnie: Miss, Miss! Did they name them after cricket teams?Golf stance.A guy is golfing
- 98 HUMPTY DUMPTY Sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, The cat did a piddle, All over the bedside clock.The little dog laughed to see suc
- 97 Tarzan the safe s.e.x practice.Jane was attracted to him Tarzan and while chatting she asked him about s.e.x."Tarzan not know s.e.x," he replied.So Jane explained s.e.x to him and Tarzan said, "Oh s.e.x, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.&qu
- 96 Rect.i.tude, the formal, dignified demeanour a.s.sumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.Oyster, a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.Circ.u.mvent, the opening in the front of boxer shorts.Barby Doll, A doll
- 95 A: Because he spends all day playing with pooh.How to shower like a woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up
- 94 What did one tonsil say to the other?You better get dressed... the doctor is taking us out tonight.Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.People who constantly cough never go to the doctors.They go to banquets, to concerts, to church, etc...Dr
- 93 A woman is looking at her p.u.b.es in the mirror when her husband comes home and catches her."Do you think I should shave my pubic hair? Or should I leave making the decision to some other time?" she asks him.Her husband thinks for a moment, loo
- 92 Three vampires.Three vampires walk into a bar and the waitress asks, "What'll it be boys?""I'll have a gla.s.s of O Positive," says the first vampire."AB Negative for me," says the second."I'm the designat
- 91 Little Johnny a student has a p.e.n.i.s so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They say he could easily kill someone it so large. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size. She keeps him behind after
- 90 "What is it, dear?" his mother asks."I think it's Adam's underpants!"Puns.When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de- lighted.He wears gla.s.ses during math because it improves division.She
- 89 "Why don't you take off you jacket?" asks the owner."O I can't do that," says the blonde, "I says on the tin apply two coats."It's a Period.The kindergarten cla.s.s had a homework a.s.signment to find out about
- 88 Q. What do you call a girl who has a horn collection with two saxophones?A. A h.o.r.n.y bisaxual.The News.News Flash: A chain of s.e.x shops have recently introduced a line of inflatable dolls modelled on Palestinian women. They're not cheap, but whe
- 87 Next the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after they had all their children?" Again, Adam pokes Rick with the pencil and Rick screams, "Adam, if you poke me with that thing one more time I'm break it in half and shove it up your
- 86 The butler did it!Lady Smith-Bonnington calls James her butler into her office."James, remove my dress."James removes her dress."James, remove my shoes."James removes her shoes.""James, remove my bra.s.siere."James remov
- 85 The old man yells back, "He wants to see your license!"The woman then gives the officer her license."I see you are from Arkansas," says the policeman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest wo
- 84 SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?HE: Shall we go see a movie?SHE: I've already seen it.HE: Where have you been all my life?SHE: Hiding from you.HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there any
- 83 "What's your father's occupation?" asks the teacher."He's a magician," says boy."How exciting. What's his best trick?""He saws people in half.""Very impressive! And do you have any brothers
- 82 Juggle Trek.The leader of all female juggle expedition had this to say on return from her trip. "My team where under a lot of stress. When there's pressure in the bush, cracks begin to open."Q: How to make German Black Forest Gateau cake?A:
- 81 Q: Why do jungle explorers make the best lovers?A: Because they go deep into the bush.Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.Q: Why is the s.p.a.ce between a woman's b.r.e.a.s.t.s and her hi
- 80 The sick parrot.A guy takes his very noisy sick parrot to the vet. "Has he been having s.e.x?" asks the vet."Yes, he has," says the guy."I thought so," replies the vet, "your bird has case of chirp-ees. But don't wo
- 79 The Damsel.An Evil king captured a beautiful girl. He forced her to wear a shabby dress and sit in a tower. She waited day and night with the hope that a prince would come and free her.But he never came. Eventually, she cried in distress and the evil king
- 78 Q: Why is a leaking tap like a racehorse?A: Because it is off and running Q: What do you get if you cross a giant ape, with some whipped egg whites and sugar?A: Merangue-atan Q: What's it called when a stallion runs around in circles?A: Horsing aroun
- 77 A Wish."And what would you like?""A p.e.n.i.s!"Somewhat surprised and embarra.s.sed, the compare checks again, "You'd like what?""A p.e.n.i.s!!""Right" says the compare, "There you have it ladies
- 76 You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.With her marriage, she got a new name and a
- 75 Two old guys are arguing about their doctors. The first one says, "I don't trust that guy you see. He treated old Fred Smith for a kidney complaint for nearly a year, and then Fred died of a liver cancer.""So what makes you think your
- 74 Soup.A guy walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. It takes a while before the soup to arrive and when it does it's too hot. While waiting for the soup to cool, the guy needs to go to the bathroom. But before he leaves the table he thinks,